Genevieve Alosis; Erebos Soulbane

[Erebos 32]

Unused

Edited April 4, 2021 by Erebos

[Rogan 158]

glad to see it so polished up and clean, good work

[Silcore 22]

This looks pretty great! I would recommend simplifying the font, as it pops a bit much in my opinion. Maybe reducing the font size and using boldness selectively would be a good start.

I've added some general editing recommendations below:

Spoiler

• A number of possessive "it's" were used, although "it's" indicates a conjunction. You want to use "its" to represent possession in these case. "The dog licked its owner..."
• "She however was quite tall for her height" seems like a typo. For her age, maybe, or her gender would be fitting.
• There are some plaintext [li] brackets visible in the text.

A great start! I'm looking forward to seeing how this evolves over time.

Edited July 31, 2018 by Silcore

[Void 33]

One of my favourite characters for a few years now, I like it.

[Erebos 32]

17 minutes ago, Silcore said:

This looks pretty great! I would recommend simplifying the font, as it pops a bit much in my opinion. Maybe reducing the font size and using boldness selectively would be a good start.

I've added some general editing recommendations below:

  Reveal hidden contents

• A number of possessive "it's" were used, although "it's" indicates a conjunction. You want to use "its" to represent possession in these case. "The dog licked its owner..."
• "She however was quite tall for her height" seems like a typo. For her age, maybe, or her gender would be fitting.
• There are some plaintext [li] brackets visible in the text.

A great start! I'm looking forward to seeing how this evolves over time.

Thanks for the suggestions! They help a lot.   I'll go ahead and fix them up when given the chance. I originally wrote this for HTML and BBCode, until I found out that the forums doesn't accept BBCode!  (How cruel!) Don't know why I originally thought it did for a while. So the formatting I had to adjust manually. 

[TheDemon 109]

There are some strange word and sentence structure choices.

Spoiler

second paragraph of Personality

11 hours ago, Erebos said:

Genevieve ultimately however growing up was nearly solely an academic, studious, and a bright student with her upbringing, leading her to eventually seek to join the Adventurer's League as an intern.

1

just a strange word order. I get that growing up she was a good student, which ultimately led her to join the AL. Not sure why that ultimately is near the beginning. And why is that however even there? 

paragraph Face

11 hours ago, Erebos said:

Its vibrant azure color appeared a curiosity from the ordinary compared to most solid colors between humans.  

If she really has azure hair, that sure is a curiosity. However, the colour of human hair is most definitely not solid. I would compare it to common colors.

 

There are quite a few things like these, but as stated further down, they don't keep one from understanding the text as a whole.

 

On the bright side, I was able to get what you wanted to say and that is what counts.

 

The character concept is interesting, the character herself looks interesting and the backstory is well defined and gives a clear motive, the character is not closed and has a potential to grow and evolve.

TLDR - I like it.